Life’s Passages

Written by Norma on 06 July 2010

Life does not come in a single continuous phase.

Passages

In my twenties, I read a great little book, ’Passages’ by Gail Sheehy. I met Gail in Toronto at the International Women Forum Conference in 2004. She was petite, in a stunning red suit that said ‘Confidence’, as she signed autographs. I bought her book ‘The Silent Passage’ to prepare myself for eventual menopause. A wonderful woman, she was inspiring to chat with even for a few minutes.

In ‘Passages’, Gail said that people in later parts of their lives often returned to unresolved issues in earlier phases. If unresolved, these issues stayed there in their hearts or memories and resolution was required for people to be happy with themselves and for them to move on completely into the next phase. Gail’s book had a profound impact on me. From then on, I try to in so far as is possible to resolve things within the separate phases of my life so that there are no gaps waiting to be filled. I am not able to do that all the time, of course. Sometimes, the person on the other side refuses to meet me half-way.

50-50

On the International Women Forum Leadership Foundation programme in 2004, I learnt the 50-50 Rule to life. The 50-50 Rule says that a woman should not assume to go beyond 50% of the total responsibility in any relationship over a prolonged period of time as it is not sustainable. Women tend to do that. We tend to want to go the extra mile all the time. Don’t!

Life Phases

We women seem to have more distinct phases than men. While on the surface it may look the same, I often think that deep within women feel the phases more. Certainly these phases impact us more financially than they do the men. Men are not expected to be the caregiver of children, for example. And most bachelor men escape the stigma of being called a spinster. I was pleasantly surprised when my father in his 70s decided to call one of my dear cousins who had decided to stay single, a ‘bachelor’. A few years ago, Dad would have just labelled women who were single ‘spinsters’ which is hardly complimentary compared to ‘bachelor girl’. Way to go, Dad! You have joined the new millennium.

The distinct phases in a woman’s life are:

Single
Married
Divorced
Widowed

You need to know your legal rights as a woman in each of these phases. They affect your will and your financial health. You also need to know how to plan your own needs in each of these phases. Being married is no excuse to forget about yourself and your financial independence! There will always be one more nappy to purchase, one more toy, one more educational programme for your child. Their needs never end. You must take care of yourself throughout these periods.

You need to negotiate your way through the housekeeping money if you are a caregiver. How can you discuss your financial needs with your husband? Sensibly and without huge fights?

Given the statistics, you are more likely to be alone again in the latter phase of your life. Men do die younger on average, and given this statistic, you will be left to take care of your needs. If you have had a great husband like my friend, Perlita, you would be taken care of. But if your husband was anything like my Uncle Mervin, it is likely that he would have forgotten to care for himself and you as death was a taboo thought.

Planning is important and the right planning protects your future.

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